When the Pronoun Walks Into the Room
My last post on the Do’s and Don’t’s of Supporting Trans Folk generated worthy questions about how/when to use/ask us for pronouns. Use…
My last post on the Do’s and Don’t’s of Supporting Trans Folk generated worthy questions about how/when to use/ask us for pronouns. Use common sense and golden-rule decency—namely, when in doubt, shut yo’ mouth!
Direct, person-to-person communication employs second-person pronouns (i.e., “you,” “y’all”); so, no problem there. Referring to someone in the third-person (he/she) is where the issue arises.
The Default in Our Stars
English provides an out that Romance languages don’t — third-person neuter plural (i.e., “they”/”them”/”theirs”). Use ‘em till someone corrects you).
Do you ever request of kids the etiquette for asking said kids what they have in their pants?
Asking a trans or gender-queer person their pronouns is tantamount to “outing” us or, at the least, questions the gender you presume we present as (getting the idea this is your problem, not ours?). Better to let us claim that instead of implicitly saying to us, “Hey, I can’t figure you out”/”I need to figure you out in terms of a gender binary.” (Again, the issue is you. Do you ever request of kids the etiquette for asking said kids what they have in their pants?) We’re persons; if we wanna address pronouns, we’ll say (and/or empower our friends’ to describe us with) “my/their pronouns are …”
They/Them/Theirs is the DEFAULT — easy, convenient, and keeps you on your toes if you’re beset with a cis-dominated perception of the world.
I Prefer Not
Didja notice? I haven’t used the word, “preferred” — because that adjective implies “whimsy”/”capriciousness,” whereas a pronoun is a factual (not individually assigned/preferred) reality. Unlike Bartleby the Scrivener and his preferences, trans and gender-queer folks don’t “choose” or “design” our genders anymore than cis persons up and decide they’re male or female.
Trans and gender-queer persons’ gender awareness is the result of a courageous battle we fight in a cis-dominated world to understand ourselves, in the face of a gender assignment unasked-for, yoked to us at birth, and layered upon through childhood and enculturation — never questioned, such that many folks take it as sanctified that there are only “male” and “female” genders, dictated by the presence of a penis or vagina. Period.
Trans and gender-queer persons’ gender awareness is the result of a courageous battle we fight in a cis-dominated world to understand ourselves, in the face of a gender assignment unasked-for, yoked to us at birth
Beyond A “Preferential” Option
Another option, if it’s feasible/amenable for the involved group/interlocutor, is to have EVERYONE, cis, trans, gender-queer, etc., offer their pronouns as part of their introductions. “Hi, I’m Bethany; she/her/hers.” Such requires an intentionality that 99% of the cis community either is oblivious to or, sadly, purposely refuses to exercise.
Clear as mud? If not, post more questions! Also, try this website on pronouns: https://www.mypronouns.org/