The Thrill of Being Trans
In Which Trans “Euphoria” Is Not What You Think
In Which Trans “Euphoria” Is Not What You Think
The other day I was in a funk of depression, and Pam asked me, “Has the thrill of being Bethany faded for you?”
Gender dysphoria is not depression.
Pam was concerned, as anyone who has lived with depression and with someone who suffers depression would be. Many have celebrated the euphoria of coming out trans versus the dysphoria of living as someone they’re not. But let’s get this straight — gender dysphoria is not depression.
Out in the Cold
Coming out trans and living as who I am makes me no less susceptible to depression than it makes me to getting a cold. Gender dysphoria, though, is indeed a trigger for depression. In this case, wearing a mask doesn’t prevent the ailment but empowers it.
Posing as something/someone I wasn’t left me out in that cold to the point that I had constant depression.
Being out after 50+ years of mask wearing has been tonic for my mental health, just like not being constantly in cold, wet, malnourished conditions can make one more susceptible to the cold virus. Posing as something/someone Im not left me out in that cold to the point that I had constant depression. That isn’t easy to live with, which is why Pam is so attuned to changes in my mood. She doesn’t want the old depressed me to return anymore than I do.
Not A Way of Life
I still get colds, though. And I still get depressed. The difference is that depression, a runny nose, sore throat, and cough aren’t a way of life for me. Previously, I couldn’t pinpoint the source of my deep sense of loss and displacement. Coming out trans resolved the pervasive, deep-seated triggered of my depressed life before I knew I am Bethany.
I know how to ride it out.
Now, the triggers for my depression are external. Yep, I still get depressed, but I know why. I know it’s not permanent. I know how to ride it out.
One of the ways to avoid getting colds is to support your body’s immune system. Fatigue, stress, over-exertion, and exposure to the cold virus and the conditions that foster and incubate it are analogous to the emotional, psychic, bodily, and spiritual miasma that is gender dysphoria, which itself fosters and incubates depression and a host of other ills.
The Thrill of Being Bethany
I’m thrilled to be Bethany because I get to weather depression as who I really am, instead of boxing Muhammad Ali with one arm tied behind my back. One of the iconic lines of Captain Marvel is when Carol Danvers says to her nemesis, “I have nothing to prove to you.”
My whole life before realizing I was trans was the constantly fatiguing, immunity-baiting slavery of proving something … to myself. I was my own arch-enemy.
I never for one second forget that. And it thrills me to live freely, as who I am.
Living As Me
Things depress me like they do you — bills, narcissists, haze obscuring the beautiful Rocky Mountains, a broken-down car. Every now and then, I get blue and can’t, until recovered, pinpoint what triggered it.
Hello! That’s life. That’s me.
The thrill of being who I am, though, is a constant river of joy that washes my very veins. I have, do, and will face the terrors, losses, deaths, and griefs that life may have in store for me.
The loss is real. But nothing that’s real is ever permanently lost. Even myself.
This time, though, I get to experience them — as I do joy, happiness, a good meal, and a pipe — as my true self. After 50+ years of masking those beauties, you can bet that I never ceased to be thrilled at being Bethany. Even when I’m depressed.
The loss is real. But nothing that’s real is ever permanently lost. Even myself.
Originally published at bethanybeeler.com
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To learn more about my journey, check out my memoir, How to NOT Know You’re Trans or my newly-released TransQuality: How Trans Experience Affirms the World.
As always, your respectful comments are appreciated. 🤗