Of Cold & Warmth
It got cold here in my neck o’ the woods (northern Colorado)—I mean, International Falls, Minnesota cold. Like, ambient temp of -22°F/-30°C, with wind-chill/feels-like lows of -35°F/-37°C. I get it: I chose to live here. And because Pam and I are privileged enough to be able to pay our utility bills, we also enjoy the privilege of liking a cold snap, so long as we remain comfy cozy warm, while all that Ice-Station-Zebra shit is viewable from double-pane windows (that we try not to get too close to).
A Faint Brush with Not Having That Privilege
On Tuesday morn, after the 3-day MLK Holiday weekend, I noticed that our heat was holding steady at 66°F/19°C, lower than the 68°F/20°C we keep it set at. Our apartment’s on the 4th floor, and heat rises, so our heater has never had trouble keeping up, what with the lower three floors’ heaters contributing to our situation.
Except when our heater doesn’t keep up. Like this morning. At 5am.
Still groggy, I went to start the shower. I really badly needed a shower (watching ice-mageddons from your 4th-floor comfy perch’ll make you accumulate crud). Aft gang agley go the plans of mice and filth-encrusted Babsies, ‘cuz the shower water wasn’t getting above that of the milk in our fridge.
Well, shit.
Pam and I then realized that the water heater was the source of our heat, and if it was on the blink, then our heat was not only not gonna keep up but rather die a slow, hypothermic death, along with us. But how could that be? It was a 6-month-old water heater! Oh, the mysteries and vicissitudes of modern life in the era of late-stage materialistic dry-rot!
Didn’t matter. I had to go to work. So, down to the parking garage Babsie trundles … only to find that the battery in my orange, sticker-covered 2007 Ford SUV (affectionately known as “Escapé”), as well as the battery in our 1973 VW Camper Bus (affectionately known as “Bétty” [well, no accent on the “e”; I just did that to fuck with ya]), had a charge maybe strong enough to rouse an infant spider. Back up to the 4th floor did wee Babsie re-trundle, sending a text to her boss:
And I Did Attend. To Those Matters.
Our apartment complex’s two maintenance persons eventually discovered that the water heater’s ailment was an iced-over exhaust vent. Once they chipped off that iceberg, our hot water returned in the course of time (I grunged it the rest o’ the day, not wanting to experience Bill Murray’s numerous shower deja vus in Groundhog Day).
As for the dead batteries, well, our auto insurance comes with roadside assistance, so we eventually got Escapé jumped after the jumper guy got done jumping oh, ‘bout 55,071.6 batteries that day.
A frozen time was had by all.
The Moral of the Story
Well, there isn’t a moral to the story. But there are chocolate-chip cookies.
You see, the day before (MLK Day), I got the random idea to bake cookies. Now, I have a legion of cookie recipes, but for some reason, Sister Cosmos was telling me it had to be chocolate-chip cookies.
“Bethany,” the Cosmos said in her I’m-putting-up-with-you-because-I-love-you tone, “it has to be chocolate-chip cookies. No whys, ands, ifs, or buts.”
I’ve learned in recent years to listen to Sis, so I baked ‘em. I mean, they weren’t an effort. They’re chocolate-chip cookies.
And, y’know? They came in quite handy the next day, as I handed them out to the intrepid souls who brought us heat, hot water, and a happy car battery. They all lit up like Xmas trees to get a homemade chocolate-chip cookie. In no way did such a small token fairly recompense the effort that they made in doing their jobs in witch’s-tit-frigid weather.
But it made them lighter. They got a treat.
For a second, they were reminded that life is a treat—a chocolate-chip treat, and that our job in this Cosmos is to be a treat—to ourselves and everyone. These persons certainly were for me and Pam. A chocolate-chip cookie or three was a treat to give them. A kinda in-the-moment sacrament to take the edge off the cold.
So, treat yourself to this yummy recipe that’ll sacramentally warm yer cockles!
B*tch-Bake Chocolate Chip Cookies
Prep Time: 15min Cook Time: 20min Total Time: 40min Difficulty: Easy
Servings: 24 cookies
EQUIPMENT
2 Baking sheets
2 Silicone mats, or parchment paper
Lg mixing bowl
Sifter
Whisk
Stand mixer, w/ bowl and beater attachment
Small ice-cream scoop
Baking rack
Dry Ingredients:
3C (375g) flour, plain 1t (5g) baking soda 1⁄2t (2g) baking powder 1t (6g) salt
Wet Ingredients:
1C (200g) butter, unsalted (softened)
1C (200g) granulated (caster) sugar
1C (200g) brown sugar (packed)
2t vanilla extract
2 lg eggs
3⁄4-2C (200g) chocolate chips (I mix 46% cocoa solids version w/ dark chocolate & milk chocolate chips, 1⁄3 of each)
DIRECTIONS
1. Preheat oven to 375°F/190°C (400°F/200°C, High Altitude).
2. Line baking sheets w/ silicone mats or parchment paper. Set aside.
3. Into mixing bowl, sift dry ingredients, then whisk to thoroughly combine. Set aside.
4. In stand-mixer bowl, beat at med-hi speed (KitchenAid 6-7) butter and sugars till combined.
5. Beat in eggs and vanilla till mixture is fluffy.
6. Lower mixer speed (KitchenAid 4-5), and gradually pour in dry mixture, till thoroughly combined.
7. Again lower mixer speed (KitchenAid 3-4), and slowly introduce chocolate chips, mixing well.
8. Turn off mixer, and remove bowl.
9. In 3T portions (a heaping 1⁄8C; I use a small ice-cream scoop), roll cookie dough into balls and evenly space 1-1.5in apart on baking sheets.
10. Bake one sheet at a time 8-10 min, removing when just barely browning.
11. Cool on sheet 2 min, then place cookies on baking rack.