Leaving Shame, Loving Ourselves—A Trans Awakening
Tribes Can Legislate; I Won’t Participate
[Trigger Warning: Use of/reference to dead name.]
Until recently, every time I recalled an embarrassing memory, a blush warmed my face as I mentally chastened myself with “Oh, [dead name]!” Even after transitioning, I still dead-named myself in those moments — even for shameful deeds done after I transitioned.
Given the current spate of anti-LGBTQIA+ legislation and propaganda, some want to enforce shame as our permanent existence.
But I’m not ashamed of who I am.
I once was.
Wanting to be anything but myself, I joined churches and ideologies that promised salvation if I purged myself of unworthiness. Any who differed were the enemy — freaks, as I thought myself to be without the identity supplied by the group. I therein obliterated a sense of humanity in the persons I scapegoated. That’s why hate groups won’t let others live their lives. Divergent “lifestyles” pose death to the tribe, whose members find so worthless their own lives that they will, without shame, absorb or erase the lives of others.
TL:DR — It’s the Borg.
Though I lost a group identity when I left the tribes and transitioned, I for once carried no burden. I’m not about to hoist a new boulder. Welcoming myself allows me to welcome others.
What I gain delightfully awes me.
The dead name I once used when recalling past follies now reminds me that Randy was an incredibly brave and resilient fighter who cleared the way for who I’ve always been — Bethany.
I am myself. Delightfully so.
Love,
Bethany
Originally published at bethanybeeler.com
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To learn more about my journey, check out my memoir, How to NOT Know You’re Trans or my newly-released TransQuality: How Trans Experience Affirms the World.
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