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Laughing At Myself

www.bethanybeeler.com

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I’m a witch and trans woman who writes, paints, and bakes for the world as I feel it, from where I stand, where I’ve been, who I am, who I’m becoming. Papa Culture fears Magik.
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Laughing At Myself

How to Incant Magik

Bethany A. Beeler (she/her)
Jun 7, 2023
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Laughing At Myself

www.bethanybeeler.com
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Flight of the Whimsy, ©2019, Bethany A. Beeler

My sweater is on backwards and inside out,
And you say, how appropriate.
~Alanis Morissette

I write and paint to enchant the world. And me. Though I’m growing in wholeness and happiness, I need enchantment.

Cracking

Fanaticism’s fundamentally unkind. In the dogmatism of my past years, I granted myself no mercy and held wonder in contempt. I was bound to crack.

Thank the cosmos, I cracked up at myself.

I failed at dominance, amassing money, and building a Teflon reputation. At least wasn’t hurting others, right? I convinced myself I was virtuous, which was so much self-preservation via rationalization. All the while, I blew up at inconsequentials, made Pam cry, and held fast to a creed that murdered joy.

When I finally saw I’d never summoned any sense of horror at all that …
… I finally and blessedly knew I was crazy.
And magikal.

In no way is the work complete, but now it’s not work. It’s a witchy, playful embrace.

I laugh and weave magik to enchant the world because you and I are worth it. As you read this, we share a magik and reveal a friendship we didn’t know about and around which the wholeness of the universe revolves.

It’s Fun

I sometimes think I make things worse. Even when I finish what I consider my best writing or painting, I still think it can be better. Then, I laugh and write another book, do another painting.

But why?

I don’t know and wouldn’t believe my most airtight answer.

Yet, I feel something as I write a book, paint a painting, and bake a Bakewell Tart.

It’s cool and thirst-quenching, like swimming in a mountain pool.

It’s fun!

Fun in the same way you might feel as you roll a strike, the pins making a million
k-nunks! singing the bowler’s equivalent of the Hallelujah Chorus.

I’m me when I laugh like that. Though magik has never needed me, she smiles and invites me to dance with her.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to be fulfilled every moment, and, given past experience, I know that, in my present form, I’m don’t sustain it.

Erm, about that …

… it’s never been about knowing.

Unknowing is the laughter necessary to magik. And there are more steps to the dance. And dancing spans lifetimes.


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Laughing At Myself

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