Laughing At Myself
My sweater is on backwards and inside out,
And you say, how appropriate.
~Alanis Morissette
I write and paint to enchant the world. And me. Though I’m growing in wholeness and happiness, I need enchantment.
Cracking
Fanaticism’s fundamentally unkind. In the dogmatism of my past years, I granted myself no mercy and held wonder in contempt. I was bound to crack.
Thank the cosmos, I cracked up at myself.
I failed at dominance, amassing money, and building a Teflon reputation. At least wasn’t hurting others, right? I convinced myself I was virtuous, which was so much self-preservation via rationalization. All the while, I blew up at inconsequentials, made Pam cry, and held fast to a creed that murdered joy.
When I finally saw I’d never summoned any sense of horror at all that …
… I finally and blessedly knew I was crazy.
And magikal.
In no way is the work complete, but now it’s not work. It’s a witchy, playful embrace.
I laugh and weave magik to enchant the world because you and I are worth it. As you read this, we share a magik and reveal a friendship we didn’t know about and around which the wholeness of the universe revolves.
It’s Fun
I sometimes think I make things worse. Even when I finish what I consider my best writing or painting, I still think it can be better. Then, I laugh and write another book, do another painting.
But why?
I don’t know and wouldn’t believe my most airtight answer.
Yet, I feel something as I write a book, paint a painting, and bake a Bakewell Tart.
It’s cool and thirst-quenching, like swimming in a mountain pool.
It’s fun!
Fun in the same way you might feel as you roll a strike, the pins making a million
k-nunks! singing the bowler’s equivalent of the Hallelujah Chorus.
I’m me when I laugh like that. Though magik has never needed me, she smiles and invites me to dance with her.
I don’t know if I’m supposed to be fulfilled every moment, and, given past experience, I know that, in my present form, I’m don’t sustain it.
Erm, about that …
… it’s never been about knowing.
Unknowing is the laughter necessary to magik. And there are more steps to the dance. And dancing spans lifetimes.