Existential Ice Cream
When Being You Feels Monstrous
We live in a bewildering time, which is both a problem and an opportunity. Fascist and authoritarian movements claw at 250 years of democracy. Along the way to acquiring the technology to decide the evolution of our species, we’ve created an alternate reality, apart from nature, only to find that our well-laid plans threaten the natural world we still depend on, as well as our own human nature.
We’ve opened what we perceive to be a chasm between ourselves and nature. (Or, perhaps we’ve always operated under the assumption that we’re irrevocably divided from Sister Cosmos.)
Being Human’s A Full Time Job
Taming and subduing nature presupposes that we’re inherently different from the natural realm. Methinks we put too much stock in this self-proposed singularity. So long as we view ourselves as the only aspect of nature that self-consciously perceives and creates, we too easily fall into the trap of seeing nature as randomly monstrous … merely because the cosmos speaks a language and thought that we haven’t detected, let alone translated.
And why is that?
From the get-go of philosophic inquiry, we haven’t shaken the hunch that if only we grasped our human essence, we’d have the Rosetta Stone for breaking the cosmic code. The witches among us realize that Sister Cosmos doesn’t speak in code. We do … because we’re hiding ourselves from a terrible secret.
What If, Deep Down, We’re Monsters?
To call natural processes blind and random reflects our intransigent blindness to its ways … and to ourselves. Positing that humankind arose from random natural processes, our era is obsessed with the awkward realization that so-called human order and intelligent design spring ultimately from arbitrary biochemical arrangements. In short, we won the lottery when the wilderness led to us.
But why us? Did it have to be that way? If it didn’t hafta be, then what if wildness isn’t the opposite of personhood, but personhood itself? Perhaps that’s why popular culture is titillated with zombie narratives. Could it be that everything we plan, accomplish, and strive for is nothing more than mindless stumbling about?
After all, without caring a fig for our mores, civilized conduct, and legal codes, nature managed to come up with, well, us. In that light, our pursuit of order is a stopgap till we decode what’s really going on at the heart of reality.
Yeah, I Know
I too easily get depressed as shit and have discovered that, to get on with my life, I must depend on a grand simplification:
That I didn’t get here by accident.
Because, if it ain’t accident, then I’m here for something.
And that something demands sustenance for the journey.
So, I Bake
And write and paint. And go to work. And love Pam. And pet the kitties. Thus far, our practical tests as human beings have confirmed the three points above. Yet, every age terrifies itself that this time, the tests of science, art, literature, and plain old gumption to live another day will finally meet their match. Our monstrousness will undo the whole damn thing, like a Rube Goldberg machine sprocketing out of control.
The big picture of all my pixelated joys, desperate times, and slogging about comes into focus every now and then. Regardless of whether I encounter my times with sadness or joy, I am, as I do the encountering, on my way, like Jim Morrison says:
I looked at you
You looked me
I smiled at you
You smiled at meAnd we're on our way
No, we can't turn back
Yeah, we're on our way
And we can't turn back'Cuz it's too late
Too late, too late
Too late, too late
I think what Jimbo means by “too late” isn’t an apocalyptic point of no return. We’re on our way such that the past moment isn’t something we can return to. We don’t know what’s coming. Through it all, we’re here, which is as practical a test as any.
That’s something I’ll be baking for the rest of my existence. Here’s some ice cream for the road.
Decadent B*tch Chocolate Existential Ice Cream
Prep Time: 20 min, 6-12 hr cure Total Time: 6.3-12.3 hrs
Difficulty: Easy Servings: 1-1.5L
EQUIPMENT
Sm mixing bowl
Whisk
Med saucepan
Sifter
Hand mixer, or immersion blender
2 airtight containers, one for curing ice cream base
& the other for storing finished ice cream
INGREDIENTS
0.5C (100g) granulated (caster) sugar
2T (16g) dry milk powder
0.25t xanthum gum
2T (43g) agave syrup (or light corn syrup)
1.3C (315ml) whole milk
seeds of 1 vanilla pod (or 1t vanilla paste or 1½t vanilla extract)
2 packets of your favorite hot-cocoa mix
Dark chocolate chips
Milk chocolate chips
sea salt, coarse
1.3C (315ml) heavy cream
2 eggs
DIRECTIONS
1. In sm mixing bowl, whisk sugar, milk powder, and xanthum gum till fully combined.
2. To med saucepan, add syrup, then whisk in whole milk and vanilla.
3a. Add sugar mixture from Step 1 to saucepan and vigorously whisk to smoothness.
3b. Sift in cocoa powder and whisk till fully combined.
3c. Chuck in the contents of the hot-cocoa packets and again whisk till your wrist falls off.
3d. Over med heat, whisk often, adjusting heat to prevent simmer, till all that dusty shit fully dissolves, combines, and reaches 175°F/80°C (3-5 min).
4. In first airtight container, add cream and eggs, beating the insanity out of that glop with a hand mixer or immersion blender. (You may need a blast shield for this.)
5. Remove pan from heat and pour into Step-4 glop, beating with mixer/immersion blender till fully creamy, effervescent, and combined [I’m kidding about the effervescence; just seeing if you’re really following the recipe or not]. (Also, you’ll need that blast shield again, unless you like your kitchen and entire body flecked with chocolate glop.)
6. Transfer base to airtight container and refrigerate at least 6 hrs up to 24 hrs. (Curing longer in fridge allows proteins to relax for the creamiest texture and tastiest flavor. Don't kid yourself by hurrying this crucial step. You want the most decadent chocolate ice cream you've ever eaten? Cure this bad girl the maximum time.)
7a. Next morning, remove base from its cure in fridge and whisk. (Base will separate during cure, so it needs recombining.)
7b. Pour base into ice cream maker and churn till mixture reaches soft-serve consistency (15-25 min).
8. Transfer to frozen airtight container and layer parchment paper directly onto ice cream to prevent ice crystals from forming.
14. Seal container (it's okay if parchment paper flows over edges of container) and place in freezer at least 6 hrs (better if 12+ hrs).
NOTES
Store leftovers in same airtight container, always applying the parchment paper to ice cream surface, to prevent ice-crystal formation.